The 40 Immutable Rules of Cycling
Courtesy of our friends at Velominati we bring you their 40 Immutable Rules … learn more about this group at http://www.velominati.com.
Rule #1: Always obey the rules.
Rule #2: If you’re contemplating a breach of the rules, see Rule #1.
Rule #3: With all due respect to Lance Armstrong, it IS all about the bike. No bike, no ride.
Rule #4: Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up jersey sleeves or shorts in an effort to diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are strictly verboten.
Rule #5: The minimum number of bikes one should own can be determined by the simple formula n+1, where ‘n’ is the number of bikes currently owned. If spouse complains, refer to Rule #40.
Rule #6: Jerseys should fit you as a glove not as a sack. If rear pockets cover your buttocks, you are wearing a sack.
Rule #7: Cycling caps can be worn under helmets but only if you are actually riding your bike. A cycling cap should not be worn solely as a fashion statement, unless in café appearances for pre-ride espresso and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling malted beverages.
Rule #8: Speeds and distances shall always be referred to in kilometers to impress non-cycling friends and coworkers and add to the mystique of our sport.
Rule #9: Real cyclists shave their legs.
Rule #10: If in doubt regarding the definition of a ‘real’ cyclist, see Rule #9.
Rule #11: The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car itself. If you’re putting a Huffy on top of your Rolls Royce, you are in violation of this rule.
Rule #12: Never be photographed with your pedals in the 90 degree position. You will appear to be pooped or, worse yet, coasting.
Rule #13: Only authentic cycling socks should be worn. Knee socks (as worn by 80’s era softball players), ankle socks (as worn by tennis players) and socks worn by Lance Armstrong (sorry Lance, the length is just plain wrong) are verboten.
Rule #14: Panniers and handle bar bags have no place on a road bike.
Rule #15: Motorists ride on seats while cyclists ride on saddles. Referring to a saddle as a seat is verboten.
Rule #16: Never leave on a bike ride without two spare tubes, a multi-tool and a bike pump. These can be tucked in your jersey pocket or small bag under your saddle. (Note the correct use of “saddle” as explained in Rule #15).
Rule #17: Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some inexplicable reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to your shaved brethren.
Rule #18: The ‘Cycling Kit’ consists of the ‘sacred seven’ – helmet, eye glasses, jersey, gloves, shorts, socks and shoes. If you are missing one of these items you are in violation of Rule #3.
Rule #19: A bike ride/race shall never be preceded by a one-mile swim or 10-mile run. See Rule #3 and Rule #40.
Rule #20: Handlebars on a road bike must always be lower than the saddle.
Rule #21: The tip of the brake lever should be even with the bottom of the handlebar.
Rule #22: The saddle should be mounted so it is visibly parallel to the ground.
Rule #23: The saddle should be as firm as necessary to deaden the nerve endings of the cyclist’s derriere. What you can’t feel won’t hurt you. See Rule #40.
Rule #24: Facial hair is to be carefully regulated. Only handle bar mustaches are allowed. Goatees are permitted but only if your first name is Marco and your last name is Pantini or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald.
Rule #25: Aerobars are not to be employed on your road bike. Road bikes are for cycling, not time-trialing.
Rule #26: You should only ride down a mountain that you have first ridden up. It is absolutely forbidden to motor up the mountain so you can coast down the mountain.
Rule #27: When wearing a cycling kit (see definition in Rule #18) and enjoying a post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member of your group who is wearing a cycling kit, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with mini pumps by others within the group.
Rule #28: Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local bike shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time and then going online for your purchase is absolutely verboten. In other words, support your local bike shop!
Rule #29: Hold your line.
Rule #30: Washer nuts and valve stem caps are not to be employed. They serve no purpose and are unnecessary.
Rule #31: The correct placement for the handle of the rear quick release skewer is within the triangle formed by the seat tube, chain stay and seat stay.
Rule #32: You shall not ride with earphones. See Rule #3. The Goddess of Cycling is a jealous mistress who will not tolerate distractions caused by your favorite girl/boy band.
Rule #33: Do not put stickers on your bike. Other than yourself, no one else cares that you rode RAGBRAI in 1991. See Rule #3.
Rule #34: A left turn is signaled by pointing your left arm to the left. A right turn is signaled by pointing your right arm to the right (what a concept). Using your left arm, elbow-out and pointed upwards was developed for motor vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult for the driver to signal a right turn by reaching all the way out the passenger window from the driver-side of the vehicle. Alas, traditions (and habits) die hard. Using the left arm confuses motorists (except those born before the 1920s).
Rule #35: Bicycles should be seen, not heard. No squeaks, creaks or chain noise is allowed. Only the soothing hum of tires on the pavement and the rhythm of your breathing should be audible when riding. However, when riding the pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable.
Rule #36: In the spirit of Rule #35, Cyclists should be seen, not heard. Constant chatter and stories of marrying one’s cousin in Las Vegas detracts from the enjoyment of the open road and must be curtailed. Also, see Rule #40.
Rule #37: Mirrors are for automobiles, not road bikes and absolutely should not be attached to your helmet.
Rule #38: Pull through and do your time at the front (or ‘sharp end’). In other words, don’t be a wheel sucker.
Rule #39: Road bikes and cycling shoes are made for cycling (what a concept). Walking one’s bike up a steep hill is verboten.
Rule #40: No whining. Suck it up. In the words of a wise old riding sage, “Training is like fighting a gorilla. You don’t stop when YOU’RE tired. You stop when the GORILLA is tired.”
